i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
