Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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