That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
