Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It was confusing and full of hummus
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
