if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
