Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
