i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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