Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
