he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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