please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
