Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My life is pants optional.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
