never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Is Oprah even human
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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