My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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