he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
