i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
