I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
