he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
