I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
