Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize