I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we made out on top of his cat.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
