i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
