I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
and you said cock pushups were impossible
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
