I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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