My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
