tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Say something about gay babies.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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