so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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