My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
