I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize