They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
