My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
