Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
