I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
