at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
