Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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