Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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