The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
