i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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