so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
