3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize