god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
