That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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