This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
