I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
