I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How naked do you want me to be?
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