are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
