What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
