Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
