Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize