Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
