I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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