i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
