need another drink. this is the easiest way
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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