Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
