So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
