Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
