I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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