I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
